Thursday, March 15, 2007

Home Pride

So, I was home two weekends ago for the Miss O Pageant. My mom and the other "Ladies" as they're now know are getting a little old for the carrying of tables and all the running through the auditorium that's required.

Now, I've been hearing about the horrors of the out-going Miss O's mother for the better part of a year. The girl is sweet, but mama's a harpy. The final night of the Miss Wis Pageant, after her daughter didn't make top ten, not only did she refuse to speak to her loser child, but she spoke to the head of the organization that sponsors Miss O to say the Ladies should be fired and someone who knows what they're doing should be called in. This was quite funny since she didn't allow her daughter to listen to any of the Ladies' advice and between that and her astonishing lack of talent, she didn't even place.

Gordy did get her revenge on pageant day: she threw the entire family (including the precocious little sister known for getting chocolate prints on gowns) out of the auditorium 'cause the families of the contestants aren't allowed. She extended the rule to include the family of the current queen. She was so proud. It was excellent.

The girl's final appearance on stage as Miss O was entirely choreographed by mama. She bought her new dresses to wear (the girl is short, pale and curvy--mama favors white and pastels that are cut straight across), chose her final performance song (Climb Every Mountain) and choreographed the singing of it.

I heard her for the first time when she came out to sing the national anthem. Veterans were openly weeping and NOT from pride. I'm not a flag-waver by any means, but this was offensive.

She then came out to start mc-ing. My niece (the one in her 20s) was sitting next to me and the first thing she said was, "Who picked out that dress?!" It was a lovely pale yellow ensemble with a strapless satin top, a waist belt and tulle skirt. (On the Cosby Show rerun I'd seen the night before, Claire Huxtable had had the same dress for her sweet-16 party in 1958.) Trish and I spent the rest of the night racing to call who'd purchased her clothes (the ladies or the mama) not that it took more than a glance--the girl gained or lost 30 lbs each time she came out in a new outfit.

I don't even like to think about the hideous mistake that was made with her dress for the finale. Ill-fitting, white version of the black dress the very tall, very thin Miss Wis was wearing. Take into account that it had to be bustled so she could dance in it... Ughh... She would've been better off in a white potato sack with sequins thrown at it.

But the piece-de-resistance was her final performance. The Ladies did convince her to wear the dress made for her under their instruction instead of her mama's. So other than her rendition of "Climb Every Mountain", which had the audience flinching with every high note, there was only one problem. Mama rechoreographed the number after the dress rehearsal. The girl finished in a full lunge down on one knee. Umm...her gown had a front slit almost to the waist. My entire section got a fine crotch view. I don't even want to think about the poor Northwestern reporters sitting in the orchestra pit.

The new girl is gorgeous. Seriously fantastic body. Very smart, albeit young, and incredibly nice. Oh, and her dad knows my brother and at the very least talks a great line of BS about following whatever mom and the other ladies have to say.

After their first meeting, they're very hopeful. She may not win Miss Wis., but she should go far in undoing the damage caused by the last one.

PS. Atom, I would've called to say hi, but there was NO spare time.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Davey, you were a far better mother superior on the back of the forensics bus, than this girl was on stage with a mic. Yeesh!

Anonymous said...

I'm jealous!! I wish I could have performed my version, although my voice cracks on the high notes now too. Funny that puberty would hit me at 35.