Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Natural foods, you are mein enemy!

We found this great cereal at Trader Joe’s. Soy and flax flakes with soy nut and flax seed clusters. Sweet, whole-grainy and delicious. Only problem: have you ever seen a flax seed?

They actually are shaped in the sleek but evil-looking manner of any number of African river parasites that are able to swim up one’s urine stream, puncture their way through the kidney walls into the blood stream and then infest whichever organ they prefer. It should go without saying that flax seeds are NOT currently pooling in my retinas, laying eggs, but I wouldn't put it past them. What they have done, is worked their insidious deviltry on the gums on the left side of my mouth. Two seeds, one up top, one on the bottom; both were wedged in for two days--poking their evil spines into my tender sub-gum tissues. Thankfully, yesterday, after much probing and salt-water gargling I got the damn things out, leaving my mouth very sore but on the mend.

This morning, I decided to be smart and got oatmeal for breakfast. Oatmeal topped with almonds and hazelnuts. Yup. They may not be pointy, but it’s still not terribly bright to chew hard things when one has giant oral hematomas.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Birds are chirping, the sun is shining, but the REAL sign...

You know it's spring when the mentally ill homeless guy crushing Entemann's donuts in his fist before tossing the crumbs to the wind says "Morning, Bitch." in the sweetest, friendliest tone.