Friday, December 22, 2006

A Holiday Tune...

City kitchens, busy kitchens
Filled with holiday smells...
On the floor there are remnants of baking...

Cookies crumbling, dried fruit tumbling
Biscotti...pile after pile...
And in every still corner you hear...
Tiny mice...tiny mice...
It’s Christmas time in the City...
Hear them squeak...
Watch me freak...
Soon it will be...
Christmas Day...

Friday, December 15, 2006

Is me really monster?

- - - -
COOKIE MONSTER
SEARCHES DEEP WITHIN
HIMSELF AND ASKS: IS ME
REALLY MONSTER?
BY ANDY F. BRYAN
- - - -

Me know. Me have problem.

Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Me know it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me have weakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me see disapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

When me get back to apartment, after cookie binge, me can't stand looking in mirror—fur matted with chocolate-chip smears and infested with crumbs. Me try but me never able to wash all of them out. Me don't think me is monster. Me just furry blue person who love cookies too much. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way.

Me was thinking and me just don't get it. Why is me a monster? No one else called monster on Sesame Street. Well, no one who isn't really monster. Two-Headed Monster have two heads, so he real monster. Herry Monster strong and look angry, so he probably real monster, too. But is me really monster?

Me thinks me have serious problem. Me thinks me addicted. But since when it acceptable to call addict monster? It affliction. It disease. It burden. But does it make me monster?

How can they be so callous? Me know there something wrong with me, but who in Sesame Street doesn't suffer from mental disease or psychological disorder? They don't call the vampire with math fetish monster, and me pretty sure he undead and drinks blood. No one calls Grover monster, despite frequent delusional episodes and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. And the obnoxious red Grover—oh, what his name?—Elmo! Yes, Elmo live all day in imaginary world and no one call him monster. No, they think he cute. And Big Bird! Don't get me started on Big Bird! He unnaturally gigantic talking canary! How is that not monster? Snuffleupagus not supposed to exist—woolly mammoths extinct. His very existence monstrous. Me least like monster. Me maybe have unhealthy obsession, but me no monster.

No. Me wrong. Me too hard on self. Me no have unhealthy obsession. Me love cookies, but it no hurt anyone. Me just enthusiast. Everyone has something they like most, something they get excited about. Why not me? Me perfectly normal. Me like cookies. So what? Cookies delicious. Cookies do not make one monster. Everyone loves cookies.

Me no monster. Me OK guy. Me OK guy who eat cookies.

Who me kidding? Me know me never actually eat cookies. Me only crumble cookies in mouth, but me no swallow. Me can't swallow. Me no have no esophagus. Me no have no trachea. Me only have black fabric throat. Me not supposed to be able to even talk.

Me no eat cookies.

Me destroy cookies.

Me crush cookies.

Me mutilate cookies.

Me make it so no one get cookies.

Everyone right. Me really is cookie monster.


From: http://www.mcsweeneys.net

Friday, December 01, 2006

Which response it best? A poll.

Last night, Greg picked up some Ben and Jerry's vanilla fudge caramel ice cream. It pretty much sucked. The fudge and caramel had been overswirled into the ice cream so there wasn't a distinct flavor of either. We were equally unhappy but came up with two different solutions to the problem:

Tina's solution: Pour some Hershey's chocolate syrup on top so it would taste like something.

Greg's solution: Seal a rat in the container and ship it back to the factory in Vermont.

You be the judge. Which should we have done?

Thursday, October 26, 2006

No more Halloween for Tina...

This morning, I woke up in abject terror: I had been dreaming that I was hiding in a crawl space from Michael Myers. Even scarier, I was hiding with Archie Bunker.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Woo Hoo

The Union Star cheese shipment has arrived! Have a curd-y day! I intend to!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Heart aflutter

Greg was browsing in an Eastern philosophy/new age book store yesterday and bought me a present: three polished rocks in varying shades of gray and blue. Why? you may ask, as I did: Because when he picked them up and the sunlight hit them, they reminded him of my eyes. Oh.

The token was followed up with this afternoon:

When together and forward press the girl's lips
Like coral they are colored, beneath precious stones of azure
and met with the boy's as to the sun and the night encountering
then shall the seas much rejoice.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Turmoil...

I hate turmoil. Job issues two-sided. Vacation issues.

I HATE IT!!!!!!

Luckily, I can amuse myself with blogging about food.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Stacy's grandmother died last night. My mom called to tell me this afternoon. Unexpectedly, I turned into a freakin' distraught mess.

It wasn't unexpected and considering that she's been hallucinating that the Nazis are after her for the last 6 months or so (they left Holland after WWII) it's probably for the best, but still it makes me very sad. Perhaps it's because this is the 3rd set of condolence cards I've had to write in the past 2 months...

So have a zoetigheid for Oma...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah...

Ruby, the fan dancer in Greg's show has repeatedly invited us to see her other performances. Well, most of them require going to a warehouse district in Brooklyn after midnight on a weekday, so we've declined. Saturday night was our chance to make it up to her. We went to the NYC Burlesque Festival Gala at The Supper Club in Times Square.

It was fantastic...crowd watching alone was worth the price of admission. However, I did think our $20 would get us chairs. We knelt behind a wrought-iron balcony railing for 3 hours--literally--so we could see the stage. Great blues band played first, then a gazillion burlesque acts. Everything from the grotesque to the sublime. It was an interesting experience in avant garde theatre (almost nothing in it was even remotely sexual) and some of the acts had put a lot of thought into their performances and it was very much their "art"; it just happened to involve disrobing.

The standouts included a woman who recreated Manet's The Picnic; a trio from Atlanta who included a seriously ugly man on stilts in an antebellum gown from under whose skirts came two "soldiers" in blue and gray who did a well-choreographed sword fight/striptease while the man sang mid-19th Century ballads funereally in a gorgeous baritone; and Ruby's Big Apple Burlesque's film noir scene complete with radio announcers, singers and flashbacks. Others however, were downright silly and, occasionally, grotesque. Everybody had a gimic however, and as far as I can tell, if you have an odd minor talent, say, the ability to do rope tricks, balance glasses of wine on your forehead, hula hoop, etc., and can take your clothes off concurrently, you've got a job.

If you ever get the opportunity, I'd highly recommend the experience. Plus, I'm workin' on my act...

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The fastest man in the world...

runs like a little girl.

I swear to God, we'd never seen anything like it. He was walking in front of us last night as Greg and I were walking home after dinner in the East Village. He got a text and took off: elbows out, forearms up, hands dangling, legs flipping up and out to the side. Seriously, if he'd been smaller and blonder, he could have been my 6 year-old niece.

But here's the thing. He was faster than freakin' Superman. He was two blocks away in literally five seconds. If he had better form, I'm guessing he'd win gold medals; as it was, he had a hookup with someone in a shadowy doorway. I guess the latter could actually be better...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

From the Blastocyst Community Bulletin...

There will be a new blastocyst orientation session at the Federal Building on Market Street at 2pm (use the side door). All blastocysts will receive a Social Security number, $50 cash and a free copy of the Employment Times.
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The annual Blastocyst pancake supper will be held at the Grange Hall Sunday from 6am `til 11am. Cost is $5 ($3 for embryoblasts 8 days and under). Because of last year's maple syrup disaster, powdered sugar will be substituted.
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FOR SALE---framed portrait of President Bush signing the Blastocyst Civil Rights Act of 2006. Autographed on back by Sen. Brownback. $10 + s&h. 555-1323.
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All of us at BCB mourn the passing of associate editor Hank Grindle, 12 days, a long-standing member of the local blastocyst community for 7 days and 3 hours. In lieu of flowers, contributions can be made to the VFW. Our condolences to Gladys, his wife of 10 days and 8 hours.
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BLASTOCYST ROOMMATE wanted to share 2-bedroom apartment on west end. $575 + utilities. Non-smoker preferred. Pets negotiable. No vacuum cleaners. 555-3421.
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BLASTAEROBICS! Come move and groove to a hip-hop beat at Marcy's Gym. Great way to make friends while increasing your lifespan by up to 36 hours! You'll have a BLAST! 555-MOVEIT.
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FOR SALE: Petri dish. 4-inch diameter, like new. Only used by my grandmother on Sunday. $10 or best offer. 555-9845.
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Feeling small? Join the Dale Carnegie blastocyst support group. Professional moderator helps you speak with confidence and raise self-esteem. Stay afterward for free résumé-building workshop.

(I can't take credit for this...it's practically viral, but I thought it worthy of a post. Oops. Just found out the source from the guy who sent it to me. "That bastion of angry liberal bloggers at www.dailykos.com ".)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

It's a fucked up world...

Saturday afternoon, Greg's grandmother went to get her mail. There's a letter addressed to "Mrs. Vera", the name she's known by at the store that delivers her groceries. It lists items from one of her shops (very specific to two weeks ago) as well as graphically detailing how she'll be raped and killed if she doesn't call the number at the bottom of the page and give them $10,000. She calls the police, they come and tell her it's probably just a prank, but she shouldn't throw out the letter just in case. We stupidly assume that her son, Greg's uncle, will be coming over to stay with her since he's a 15 minute drive away.

Sunday: Greg and his sister take the letter to the grocery store in question--conveniently located down the street from where the family lunch is to take place. The store management is really concerned and can't believe they weren't contacted by the police, but they have a pretty good idea of who this could be and will look into it.

Lunch: We decide we need to tell the restaurant people because Rose (age 91) who owns the joint, lives next door and also gets her groceries delivered from the same place. The more people who know about it/are on the lookout the better. Plus, if anything is going to happen with this, the restaurant people can make it happen. Theirs is one of the most venerable in the old Italian core of the Bronx--they have clout in many ways.

We grab Rose's daughter-in-law and tell her what's happened. 5 minutes later, her husband calls a buddy of his who's the captain of that precinct at home, who then calls the captain of Greg's grandmother's precinct at home, to ask why the hell nothing has been followed up on this. Greg is then called on his cell by the second captain and is asked to come in to swear out another statement. Fine. We finish dinner, I go home with Goog, Greg is dropped off at the precinct. It's 5:45.

At the station, after waiting forever, Greg is grilled three ways from Sunday. The first was the liason guy who's really pissed that another precinct captain got involved in this. (I'm guessing that people being called at home on the Sunday of a four day weekend was NOT a happy thing for anyone involved.) The second about why his grandmother isn't there herself--with the flat out statement, "I'm sure you're a great guy, but we really have to consider the possibility that you've already killed your grandmother and you're concocting this story to cover it up--but I'm sure you're a great guy. 'Cause we see this all the time." Luckily, Greg is sane enough not to be insulted and has no problem with that.

In the meantime at the house, Greg's uncle calls and can't understand why I'm there or why Greg is at the station. I ask him where the hell he's been. "It's just a prank. She should just put it out of her mind." He goes off on how we're totally overreacting. (This is the guy who bragged to me that he flashed a weapon at a neighbor who'd told his mother not to walk her dog on his lawn.)

Greg then arrives at the front door with two cops behind him. Of course, I've double locked the door so he can't get in and it's thundering so we don't hear him knocking right away. The cops have their hands on their weapons when I open the door. They retake her statement in person. They agree that it's probably a prank, but they will take it seriously and detectives will follow up on it. Granted, aggravated harrassment doesn't rank anywhere near the top of their list of things to be dealt with, but c'mon, the initial complaint hadn't even been entered into the system. They leave. It's 9:15.

She feels better just because the situation has received some serious attention. We felt better that the businesses involved and her neighbors are on the lookout.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Additional Wackiness

Greg was invited to a proposal on Monday. That's right, he got a call from the GW's boyfriend, asking him to come over 'cause he was going to propose. What?!!! Greg was one of about a half dozen of her friends, standing outside looking quizically at each other while he popped the question inside. Very, very odd.

Riotous Cavalcade of Crazy Activity

DC Trip
Went down on Friday. Met B at her office. FYI: The Discovery Channel has the best lobby EVER! A dinosaur skeleton, a robotic baby mammouth and a perpetual motion machine that goes "dink". Assorted fun with the Walker clan, followed by the baptism of Susy's baby. Back on the Saturday midnight train--populated entirely by drug mules and us--but we missed the flooding.

In thunder, lightning or in rain?
The only way to see MacBeth is in the open air with storms blowing through. Everything portentious was accompanied by a gust of wind. Fantastic staging. FANTASTIC!

Dental Dilemma
Not that anyone will care, but I'm having my post and crown fitted this evening.

Friday, June 16, 2006

New route to weight loss...

Post-root canal, I have a temporary filling until the 28th of June--granted, it's been less than 24 hours and the area may become less sensitive--but for now eating is almost more trouble than it's worth.

It's not that it hurts, it just feels wrong. Evidently I've needed the rc for a very long time. The dentist's comments included: "We gave you a shot of novocaine just in case, but I don't really think you even needed that--this nerve is obliterated."

The root canal itself went very well, (I got to see the before, during and after x-rays) it's just that there's so little left of the tooth wall that it's very susceptible to fracture (thus the odd sensitivity) even when filled with cement--so it's quite possible that I just spent $900 only to have my tooth pulled anyway.

So until that crown is fitted on the 28th, I'm chewing slowly on the right side of my mouth and drinking a hell of a lot of V8.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Sendin' shivers up and down my spine...

Guess who I ran into in the elevator again on Saturday? The father of the girl next door. That's right, Princess' parents were back for the 5th time. She got a grill and they had to drive down from Boston to put it together for her. You'd think someone with a law degree would be able to follow simple instructions, but evidently not.

I actually laughed in his face when I said, "My God! You're back again?!!!" He looked a little chagrined. I think he gets that I think they're all pathetic.

Seriously, I love to hate this girl with an obsessive passion that knows no bounds, not even that of neighborly civility.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Hi!

Just wanted to say hello. Nothin' more than that goin' on really. Highlights of a not terribly exciting week:

I've spent a lot of time looking for my book club friend Rowena on tv. Given the anniversary of AIDS, she's been doing lots of press, including the Sunday morning news shows. She's the research grants director for AMFAR and currently, according to her speaking schedule at international conferences, the world's current expert on the potential of the not-yet-existent anal microbicides. (NOT what she's been talking about on American tv.) Seriously, she shows up at a conference and people say, "Oh! I know you, you're the anal girl!" She brings back cool presents too--last year it was a jingly elephant coin purse from Thailand, this year, a leather rhinoceros bookmark from Cape Town.

I got the puppy next door in trouble last night--I pet him when he was out on the deck alone, he got riled up and started to bark when he went back in. Princess is evidently training him not to, 'cause all we hear is a mantra of "No BARK!" coming through the wall. She's even drowning out the parrot!

Also made a kick-ass dinner last night: sauteed raddichio and speck with onion and garlic and tossed it with fettucine. The purpose of the meal was to go with an odd regional Italian wine that we got at the grand opening of a new wine store--it was from Northern Italy, an uncommon grape and they said it would go especially well with speck (smoked prosciutto, essentially) and grilled radicchio. They were totally right on, it was awesome.

See, told you it wasn't much...

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Princess gonna be kicked out on her ass...

Saturday entailed more amusing chatting with the parents of the princess next door -- her father was back for the full three-day weekend (the third time) to do more installations (of what, I don't know). Her mother has been there for a week to get her settled, because she "has to! Poor Jen didn't get a single day off between graduation and her barr exam study sessions. She has those three days a week so there's no way she could possibly unpack her own boxes." Her mother also flies to Arizona every 2 months to cook and clean for her son for two weeks before returning to Boston. In the elevator, I told her father that they were absurdly nice to keep doing this. He took it to mean my parents were bad parents--I really meant that he and his wife are bad parents. (My wacky belief that a parent's job is to teach the child to be self-reliant.)

I don't think she'll be our neighbor for long though--they've installed tons of stuff (lease technically doesn't allow nails to hang pictures); put up permanent fencing on the deck completely blocking the required fire access between apartments; and have a freakin' DOGGY LITTER BOX on the deck.

Often, the first two would be overlooked, but throw in the fact that her mother has been calling the management company every day to complain about things like "flowers should really be planted around the base of the trees by the entrance" and, my favorite, "you need to do something about the garbage in front of the building three days a week". Ummm, you mean the garbage that's out to be picked up by the sanitation department? Believe us, you want it to be picked up that often instead of remaining in the building's storage. You really, really do!

Arash and Yas complained about a hell of a lot less and were evicted; as was Kate, the older woman who lived down the hall. We're not going to say anything to princess...we've already tried and been blown off, anything more and we'd just sound like the cranky neighbors.

However, once the "litter box" starts to smell, the complaining Greg and I are going to do to the management company is going to be staggering.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Four year drought...

and this Thursday I'm going to the dentist.

Why so long you ask?
1) No dental insurance.
2) I've always had good teeth.
3) My last trip was to the NYU Dental School and after spending 20 hours in the chair over the course of 3 trips I finally got a cleaning--although only 'cause I was REALLY insistent.

Why now?

I think I need a root canal. Very, very unhappy about it. Very, very.

However, the place I'm going to claims to have a "painless" procedure. Also, it's the same dentist who does the dental work on ABC's Extreme Makeover!

Monday, May 22, 2006

'cause it's really the Artful Scheme of Pestering...

What to report?

Friday my friend Stephanie had her bag snatched from the back of her bar stool while we were hanging out--didn't notice until much later. Greg and I considered sleeping on the street for Kevin Spacey hosting SNL--it was too wet and blustery. We were very happy with our decision, we turned it off after watching only 20 minutes--it blew.

Saturday I went to the farmer's market for my final plants of the spring gardening season and even the "crazy" farmer was very nice to me. He has piercing blue eyes, a beard down to his chest and when once asked (not by me) if his produce was organic, flew into a rage and ranted at length about how government standards of "organic" mean shit 'cause they allow more and more chemical treatment each year. (Evidently, you just have to complement his fava bean greens and he's all happy. He suggested mixing them with arugula to cut the richness. I responded by saying I'd done that last week on his son's recommendation, but this week I was going to use my own nasturtium to give it a kick. Growing my own nasturtium really raised me in his overall ranking of useless New Yorkers.)

That afternoon we went to the 9th Ave International food fest. Walked 5 miles, over the course of which we split a spit-roasted pig sandwich, sourdough olive twist, jambalaya, greek egg custard pastry, key lime pie, corn on the cob, cheesecake and copious amounts of sangria. Okay, we didn't split the sangria. Plus we had various bites of other people's food. (People we knew, thank you.)

The best thing about 9th Ave is it's still a neighborhood event--lots of old time Hell's Kitchen residents--it's kinda like a parish picnic. For example: the priest from Holy Cross makes meatball parm sandwiches, lots of neighborhood gossip and issues being discussed. Best overheard was at the Greek pastry place: "SO, one of the old-timers came in to warn us that a Turkish restaurant was going in next door. She asked if we'd be okay. NO! We're gonna shoot each otha! RELAX, they're young people, it'll be fine..."

This inspired a conversation about the kind of licensing required from the Restaurant Board in order to perform an armed takeover of the kitchen next door. If only the Armenian and Azerbijiani places would move down onto that block too. THAT would be a hoot!

Sunday: Thank you notes (I still have a week to finish according to Emily Post.), wholegrain rhubarb pancakes and naps.

Ongoing news: My husband is being stalked by the idiot fans of a morning talk radio show, which shall remain nameless, by order of one of the hosts. Thank God the phone is in my name. This way he just gets an unending stream of emails calling him a "douche-bag". To give you a hint as to which show, they were kicked off the air for a while for paying a couple to have sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral while mass was being performed. They were caught 'cause they had a sound guy there so they could cut live to the scene.

Not terribly exciting and a bit rambly, but are you happy NOW?!!! ARE YOU ART?